The Worst Date of My Life

What’s worse then braised Brussels sprouts on a bed of kale? Dating a guy who orders you braised Brussels sprouts on a bed of Kale at a steak joint! I die!

I am convinced that I am to die alone on the couch while watching reruns of Family Guy with my 40 cats.

Why? Why am I being so dramatic you say? Well, it’s because I have been tasked with doing the ultimate dating review – Tinder and Bumble in Cape Town. So after going on several thousand dates in the past two months I am convinced there is not a single decent man in this town.

Any decent ones are just passing through. I met a Viking, he wasn’t too bad, don’t want to say too much and give him a big head, unfortunately, like all Vikings, he was made for one thing and one thing only, sailing the seven seas and raiding churches for Gold. So alas my friends I returned to the dating scene upon his departure.

What I experienced was worthy of an immediate post that just couldn’t wait for the review.

MR BORING!

Mr Boring is the worst type of guy because he actually believes he is the most entertaining man in the world.

So let’s break down physical stats. 35, Tall. Blue eyed ( my kryptonite) Ivy League Historian.

Yes, my friends, he was American. Remind me to never do that again.

Big Mistake #1

As soon I got there I knew I was in for the worst night of my life. He kept singing ” Ebony and Ivoryyyyyy” to me as if this was going to make me want him more. I left him the first two times, but by the third chorus, I had to ask him to find another Stevie Wonder or Paul McCartney song to sing. What did this guy choose to sing? James Brown! Mother lovin James Brown! “Say it loud! I’m black and I’m proud.”

It was at this point I decided to be an asshole and order the most expensive champagne and meal on that menu. I mean if I have to deal with your stupid racist singing I am going to get Kobe beef and Dom Perignon out of it.

Big mistake! I think me ordering a bottle of champagne made him think I was there for the long haul because he immediately decided this was going to be a three-course meal. So what does this dude do?

Big mistake #2

He orders for me without asking for my permission to order for me. He asked me if South Africans know what Brussels sprouts are? I told him we only know three vegetables, Potatoes, Carrots and Onions. He laughed but I could tell my sarcasm was wasted on him. So this butthole orders braised Brussels sprouts on a bed of kale as my starter. The two things I dislike the most in the world, on a plate together, in a restaurant, with a man I can’t stand. There is not enough champagne in the world to get me through that plate of food, let alone this night.

Big Mistake #3

He seemed to be enjoying the champagne far too much because he summoned the courage to ask me if I like small penises. Mhmm not kidding, he went on to say that if I’m going to be with him I need to learn that with white men it’s not about the size of the prize, but the motion of the ocean. Yes, this conversation really happened. Before I could even answer he told me that he’d never been with a black woman and that he desperately was in need of my brown sugar.

As you my dear readers have come to know I am quite boring. I do not do one night stands. Let alone with insecure men who force feed me Brussel sprouts and ask if black women really use plastic to braid their hair.

I ended the date abruptly.

He texted me the next morning to explain his behaviour, saying that when he gets nervous he drinks too much and becomes an asshole. He asked for a second chance, but honestly, I don’t have the strength to help a grown man come to grips with his social anxieties. Is he going to do this to all of my friends and family members the first time he meets them?

As women, we need to have a cut-off point. A mental line that should never be crossed. A self-respecting point where we say to ourselves here and no further. He crossed that line at Ebony and Ivory. He was honestly doomed from the onset.

On the upside that champagne was impeccable.

You can expect my full review on Tinder and Bumble soon!

On Friday we’re talking Orbiting a.k.a Ghosting 2.0