Ah tinder… Sips tea. Where do I begin?
In December 2016, a very single Chelsea-Summer, yes I do often refer to myself in the third person, was approached by a friend to download Tinder, use it for 6 months and give it a review.
I thought sure, what would be more exciting than getting paid to go on dates with very attractive men of my choosing? Little did I know what that little app had in store for me!
Now let me put out a quick disclaimer; the following review is based on my personal experience and does not represent the views of the bagillion people currently on Tinder.
Now let’s get down to the nitty gritty.
Newsflash! Tinder is a hookup site, don’t let anybody lie to you. 70% of the men on the app will tell you upfront that they just want to sleep with you, the other 30% will pretend that they want to get to know you, when you do decide to meet them they will then tell you that they want to hookup with you. This is no joke, wait until you hear about the worst date of my life.
The Good
- You’ll never match with someone you find unattractive, swiping left (denying people) is probably one of my favourite things to do in the world, second to chatting to Jesus.
- You’ll get to speak to an amazingly diverse group of people who you would never have encountered in waking life.
- If you know me personally, you know I am attracted to three types of men; beautiful brown brothers, Bollywood star looking Indian men and German men. Das kannst du deiner Oma erzählen. And they are all on Tinder – Praise be to Jesus!
The Bad
- There are some terrible people on the site. Catfish is a thing, never trust a guy with his body or a quote as a profile picture. Seriously! There are guys who you’ll match with and the first thing they’ll do is send you the most explicit text messages. My little Christian heart was never ready. However, you can unmatch and report a person whenever you feel it is necessary.
The Ugly – My two dates of doom
Little, naive, jungle fever having, German man loving Chelsea-Summer went and matched with two very attractive white men. One was South African, we’ll call him Cliff, and the other a German who could actually be Adonis in the flesh – He was that hot. We’ll call him Max.
So after about a month of speaking to both these characters on and off the app we decided it was time to meet.
First date of doom
First up was Cliff, the South African. We met at coffee shop in Sandton, and almost immediately his conversation put me off. All he would talk about is, how, and I quote “I am obsessed with plus size women, do you know how much prettier you could be if you gained more weight, maybe 20kg. I listen to your radio show every morning, which SA celebrities are you friends with?”
I was immediately overwhelmed. First of all ya’ll know me, I am a big girl and I don’t even pretend to be remotely close to thin, like I am juicy as hell! And then you’ve got this fat feeder telling me I ain’t big enough – Girl bye!
Secondly it was very clear that Cliff was not interested in me, Chelsea, but more about his association with Chelsea-Summer the presenter, and turning me into a morbidly obese beast who would fulfill his fetish. Needless to say the bill arrived before the coffee.
Second date of doom
The very next day I was off on a dinner date with Max, the German.
I remember seeing this guy in the restaurant as I walked in, and the first thing that came to mind was, “Wowzers in my trousers, looks like i’m eloping.” Max is probably one of the most handsome men I have ever seen in my life. He would win GQ and Cosmo’s sexiest man of the year every single year. So what could possibly go wrong?
We spoke for a while, he was incredibly intelligent, kind, into the same books, music and artwork that I am into. He even thought Catcher in the Rye was a stupid book about a spoilt brat who deserved a spanking. It was then that I knew he was the one.
Until he pulled the “Look, who are we kidding? Let’s get the bill, I live down the road, I want to make love to you.” to which I responded in absolute disbelief; “Come again?”
It got worse. In true German fashion he continued with his very direct approach of attempting to get me in the sack. He went on to offer me R5000 to sleep with him. To which I proceeded to tell him to go to hell. Oh but do you think Max was done? No no no no. He went further, Max then offered me the R5000 if I went down to the basement car park and used a sexual aid that he had in his possesion to pleasure him in his car for the next 20min. For those of you are not familiar with South African currency this is about $450. Back to the story, it is at this point he had become very aggressive and began to draw attention to the table.
I was finished people. I had lost my ability to can. Just my luck, I am probably meant to die alone. I excused myself to go to the bathroom, and got the hell out of there. Got home and called my best friend, Lev, had a little cry and a laugh for about an hour.
After the experience with Max I made the decision that I’ll probably meet the love of my life in a Checkers or Woolworths while buying Rusks to eat with my hot chocolate.
However, everything does have a silver lining. I matched with someone who I already knew and had encountered several times in my work space. And he’s actually become a very important part of my life. If anything Tinder has provided me with what will probably be a lifelong relationship that I did not have 6 months ago.
Otherwise post Tinder, I can still be seen buying rusks and looking for a husband at your local supemarket.
My advice – try Tinder atleast once. When it comes to dating apps and sites be hyper aware, take your time getting to know these people and beware of what is waiting for you on the other side of the screen.
Oh! Don’t forget to subscribe.
Chelsea Unfiltered 